Laugh out loud

*Man👳🏿: Marry me?* *Woman👩🏻: Do you have a flat?🏡* *Man:👳🏿 No*. *Woman👩🏻: Do you have a* *Camry car?🚗* *Man👳🏿: No.* *Woman👩🏻: How much is your salary?💵💸* *Man👳🏿: No salary, but I....!* *Woman👩🏻: No but Wat.... ! You have nothing. How can I marry you? Leave please b4 I open eye 👀for u!* *Man👳🏿: But I have one estate🏘🏠🏯, 3 landed properties in GRA🏟🏟🏟, 3 Ferraris🚘🚖🚘, 2 Porsches🚙🚕 and 2 G wagon🚍🚓. Why do I still need to buy Camry🚗. How can I be paid salary💸💵 when actually I'm the BOSS...* *Woman👩🏻: that's why I told you to leave, cause am coming to your house myself to propose to you....* 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Pass to another person or group make them laugh 🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃 off to another person or group 😂😂😂😂😂😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂 😂😂😂

Why wear a wrist watch when you know it's not working??? Some people go say no to use am cover hand. You wan cover hand you no see handgloves? Ah tire ooo! Me: abeg my sister what's the time on your wrist watch please. (She's struggling to bring her phone from her purse) She : its 7:36 .... Sorry my watch just stopped working Me: thank you (scoffs) Una good morning 😂😂 Somebody will kneel down jeje to propose to bae.passerbys dat notin concern wil be shouting "say yes!say yes"!na you wan marry am?😂😂😂🏃

_1. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?_ *Stress is when wife is pregnant;* *Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant;* _*Panic is when both are pregnant!*_😀😀😀 _2. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?_ *Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away!*😀😀😀😀😀 _3.  A young boy asks his Dad: "What is the difference between confident and confidential?_ *Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that is confidential!*😀😀😀😀😀 _4. A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman ;_ *“Which book has helped you most in your life?”* *The woman replied , “My husband’s cheque book!”*😀😀😀😀😀 _5. A prospective husband in a book store: Do you have a book called,_ *Husband  the Master of the House?* *Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!"*😀😀😀😀😀 _6. Someone asked ...

A student failed JAMB 5 tyms. 1 day, she travelled 2 visit her frnd in UNIBEN, she fell sick & was admitted to a hospital there. She later called her mum & said... GIRL: Hello ma MUM: The place is silent, whr r u? GIRL: I'm in UNIBEN MUM: Wooow finally, thank God o GIRL: I was admitted MUM: Thats great o. God has disgraced the witches in ur father's house dat don't want you to go to school (laughing & dancing) GIRL: Mama na Malaria o MUM: Malaria is a gud course o my daughter, plz take it serious o GIRL: I would b discharged 2moro MUM: God forbid my daughter!!!. U go complete ur four years over there in Jesus name. Girl: God punish Illiteracy!!! Mum: Amen..... coz I heard dat d lecturer is very wicked. Please don't laff alone, send it to your friends and make their day be fun.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old."? Well . . . you'll love this one. Please read to the end: My name is Jumoke. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended my Federal Government College. "Yes, yes, I did.' He gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1986. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!!!!", I exclaim...

Three Types of Smell in a Bedroom after Marriage: First Six Months: Perfumes, Body Sprays, Flowers, Body Lotions, Fragrances etc .... The whole place! smells like heaven! *One Year & above: Johnson Baby Powder, Baby Lotion, Castor Oil, Olive Oil, Abidec Vitamins & other Baby's Medicines etc .... *50 years & above: Nerve and Bone Gel, Aboniki Balm, Loco, Alabukum, Man Tiger, Arthritis Medications, Waist Pain Ointment, Essential Balms etc .... Abeg no be me talk am o!!!😜😂😜😂😜😂😜😂

*I FOUND THIS USEFUL SO I DECIDED TO SHARE* ⚫Never use car stickers that says where you work, especially if you have a prestigious job, don't let show off kill you. ⚫Don't be the one that tries to empty the ATM machine by making large withdrawals ...You don't need 50k in your wallet to feel like a man. ⚫When you attend parties, don't let the band get you so high that you start spraying money like no man's business, use an envelope. ⚫Always delete your bank transaction notifications, especially SMS...you really can memorize your bank balance....Shred ur POS/ATM receipts. ⚫Don't go jogging while it's dark, you really should be smarter than that. If you can, get someone trusted as company. ⚫Always lock your doors, even if you're only going out to switch off your generator. ⚫NEVER EVER, NEVER EVER WEAR YOUR ID outside your work place. No one needs to know you work with Union Bank, don't be stupid. ⚫As much as you can avoid it, don't s...

*SAD, BUT TRUE* 1. Realize this: No matter what you say and how you say it, SOME people will never get it. That's not your fault! *Sad, But True!* 2. No matter how pure your motives are, SOMEBODY will still accuse you of ill intentions. Stay pure anyway. *Sad, But True!* 3. No matter how humble you are, somebody will still consider you proud. Stay humble, anyway. *Sad, But True!* 4. No matter how generous you are, somebody will still call you "selfish". Remain generous, anyway. *Sad, But True!* 5. Sometimes some of your greatest pains will come from those you gave the most pleasure. *Sad, But True!* 6. Some of your greatest disappointments will come from those you gave your best appointments or commitments. *Sad, But True!* 7. Sometimes some of the worst things you'd hear about yourself may come from those you speak the best of. *Sad, But True!* 8. Not everyone in your ship is paddling in the direction of your dreamed destination. Discernment...

My Wife DOES NOT WORK! - A Conversation between a Husband (H) and a Psychologist (P): P : What do you do for a living Mr. Bandy? H : I work as an Accountant in a Bank. P : Your Wife ? H : She doesn't work. She's a Housewife only. P : Who makes breakfast for your family in the morning? H : My Wife, because she doesn't work. P : At what time does your wife wake up for making breakfast? H : She wakes up at around 5 am because she cleans the house first before making breakfast. P : How do your kids go to school? H : My wife takes them to school, because she doesn't work. P : After taking your kids to school, what does she do? H : She goes to the market, then goes back home for cooking and laundry. You know, she doesn't work. P : In the evening, after you go back home from office, what do you do? H : Take rest, because i'm tired due to all day works. P : What does your wife do then? H : She prepares meals, serving our kids, preparing meals fo...

*SIX IMPORTANT GUIDELINES IN LIFE.* 1. _When you are Alone, Mind your Thoughts._ 2. _When you are with Friends, Mind your Tongue._ 3. _When you are Angry, Mind your Temper._ 4. _When you are with a Group, Mind your Behavior._ 5. _When you are in Trouble, Mind your Emotions._ 6. _When God starts blessing  you, Mind your Ego._

My mother used to communicate with eyes while I was growing up... When visitors are in the house and I am jumping up and down, there is an eye sign which means ​"get out"​ When visitors are eating and you want to eat with them, there is this particular look which means ​"if you collect anything here I will skin you alive"​ but meanwhile she will be telling the visitors "don't mind him, he won't eat or he has eaten.." When you pay a visit to any family member and you want to cry over what is not yours, there is this look which means ​"if I hear pim from you again, I will flog you die"​ But today's mother... I mean our young mummies today ehhh... Their eyes are already weakened with mascara, eye lashes and heavy-duty facelifts and make-ups from Mary Kay to Jenifer Lopez to Angelina Jolie. In short, the eyes can't communicate again... when they are looking at a child, the child will be looking back at them because that child ...

*C - O - U - U - U - R - T!!!* Judge : Why do you want divorce? Petitioner : My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils and clothes. Judge:  So what's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions, just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the eyes won't burn. Before washing utensils just immerse them in water tub for 10 minutes , they can be easily washed. And before washing clothes in Surf, soak them in water for half an hour, all the stains will go away and even hands won't get tired. Petitioner: I now Understand Your honour. I would like to withdraw my petition. Judge: What have you understood? Petitioner: That your condition is worse than mine. 😄😄😄😊😊😊😃😃😃

HELP ME JUDGE THIS MATTER!! 🐓🐐 Goat and fowl dey waka for road, one man dey drive, come splash water for their body, D fowl say: see as he dey drive like goat! D goat say: na in make dem dey die like fowl! Na so fight start o. Who find trouble? A lady lied to a guy dat she is a graduate. D guy asked "do u ave  NYSC certificate? She replied "No seriously I don't like the course. Because all the subject is calculation ...." 😂😂😀😃pls dont laff  alone send it to your Friends and put smiles on their faces.😃

WHAT IS THIS LIFE? A man is born today, Tomorrow he is dead. A man lives in  a mansion today, Tomorrow he lives underground. A man drives a car today, Tomorrow an ambulance drives him. A man reads biology today, Tomorrow a biography is been read of him. A man eats whatever he wants today, Tomorrow he becomes food for insects. A man is always early for work today, Tomorrow he is termed late Mr/Mrs. A man is seen resting in his house today, Tomorrow he is resting in a coffin. And they say "Rest In Peace"! A man eats all kinds of fruits in his house today, Tomorrow he becomes manure to those trees. A man is known today as the richest man ever, Tomorrow he doesn't even know where or what will happen to his riches. What is life after all? Plan your life because you may not see tomorrow. But when your life is well planned you won't Be afraid of any thing. ACT RIGHT AND LIVE GODLY. ALWAYS BE A HELPING HAND TO OTHERS. Come to think of this...

I cant stop laffin... A girl in her sleep was dreaming. She dreamt dat she was engaged, still in her sleep,she was getin married to d same lucky man. After d wedding,she became pregnant and was rushed 2 d delivery room and d nurse ask her 2 push. She pushed and delivered a baby but d nurse told her it was still remaining,she pushd and delivered d second baby, and she was told it was still remaining anoda baby. As she was trying to push d third baby out,her room mate shouted juliana wakeup!...U don shit for bed. 😆😆😄😄😇😅😅 I know u are lafin now, don't be selfish pass it to ur friends.

On Monday, I asked my wife for #2000 to go for a drive around town since it was a holiday. Truly speaking I'm that one guy who doesn't like bathing. So my wife said she will give me that #2000 but on one condition. She said go and bath, I have already put some warm water in the bathroom I went there and took some Vaseline and did my own things. I didn't bath, and then rushed back to where she was sitting with our kids. And I said I'm done bathing may you please give me the money so that I can go? To my surprise they all started laughing at me and one of my kids said *"Dad you didn't bath because the money is just under the soap"*😝 I'm still looking for where to go and faint!!!😰😰🤣😂🤣😂🤣 Share and put a Smile on someone face...... What are you waiting for laugh now to make d week enjoyable...

*TEACHER*: Our topic for today is  Photosynthesis. *TEACHER* : What is photosynthesis class? *Student*: Photosynthesis is our topic today. *Not Easy to be a Teacher  !!!!!* *TEACHER* : John is climbing a tree to pick some mangoes. ( Begin the sentence with Mangoes) *Student* : Mangoes, John is coming to pick you... *TEACHER* : What do you call mosquitoes in your language? *Student*: We don't call them, they come on their own... *TEACHER* : Name the nation people hate most *Student*: Exami-nation... *TEACHER* : How can we keep our school clean? *Student*: By staying at home... *TEACHER* : One day our country will be corruption free. What tense is that?? *Student*: Future impossible tense... *THE STRUGGLE CONTINUES* 😬😬😬

The kind of pet name your wife calls you is determined by the amount of money you drop for soup: 100k........my Pride 80k.........honey 45k..........my sugar 33k..........mine 20k...........baby 17k........sweetim 15k.........daddy 8k..........oga m 2k.........Emeka (your real name) 1500.....Papa umuazia 1k........nwokem (Mr Man) 500.......aturu (useless man) 0......Nwanyi ibem (my fellow woman)